If I Can Pick Myself Up, So Can You.
Image File: http://recoveryconnections.ca/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/Depression.jpg
Before I fell ill, I was leading a happy life, having a job that I love and being known as the happy-go-lucky guy with a great sense of humour. I was the last person anyone would think will be afflicted with DEPRESSION.
It all started sometime in 2009. The slightest body discomfort, such as cough or sore throat, would make me think that I have an incurable illness. For 6 mths, at about 4pm everyday, I would check my temperature every 5 minutes to make sure that I have no fever. I'd bring my thermometer along with me to check on myself if I ever had to leave my house (which didn't happen much as I stayed home most of the time during that 6 months). Checking my temperature became a obsessive compulsive behavior for me.
When I started having fainting spells (probably due to the stress level I had), I'd visit my neighborhood GP everyday. For most visits, the GP would say there's no problem with me. Instead of being relieved, I'll doubt his diagnosis and visit another GP. If that GP also gave clearance to my check up, I'd visit another. This GP visiting became so frequent that the GPs told me not to go to them unless I am really sick. One of them even admitted that he had prescribed me Vitamin C pills just to give me assurance and comfort emotionally and mentally, because I was perfectly fine physically.
I went for all sorts of health checks - including full body check up and visits to the ENT specialist (I had thought I contracted throat cancer when it was merely tonsillitis). When all these doctors and specialists failed to convince me that I am healthy, I turned to seek spiritual help from the 'gurus' of every possible religion you can name (e.g. monks, bomohs, priests) and went through countless rituals. I was so frustrated and desperate!
I felt like I was going through hell. I thought of ending my life everyday, and even plotted my own suicide whenever I come across places and things that could possibly make that happen. The only time I felt comfort was when I sleep because it was only then that I did not feel depressed or anxious.
I avoided everyone and was absent from work for almost 6 mths. Neither my clients nor friends could reach me. If any of my friends managed to visit me, I'll cry uncontrollably even as they tried to comfort me. I am not one who cries easily but during that 6 months, I cried almost everyday. I was a total wreck, unshaved and unkempt, showering only once a fortnight. I was simply not the same jovial or humorous person that everyone knew me as before.
My friends couldn't bear seeing me in such a helpless state anymore and one day, they dragged me to see a psychiatrist (whom I continued to see till today). I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety disorder and was prescribed medication.
Despite the high cost of the medications and medical consultations, I continued with the treatments as I really wanted to get better. After a few months of proper treatment and medication, I managed to feel better and I started going back to work once or twice a week.
Getting back on track wasn't easy. After work every day, I'll encourage and motivate myself by telling myself that I am getting better, and that I want to get better, I have to get better. Eventually, I managed to get back to work on a daily basis, just like before.
I am still on medication today, but I can carry on with my life normally. I now have a beautiful son, and he gives me inner strength and motivation. I know I can't fall because he needs me. It's my deepest desire to see him grow up and have a family of his own. I want to be a part of his life even as I grow old.
To everyone out there going through emotional or mental struggles right now, I'd like to encourage you to never give up and to have hope in life. It is important that you first acknowledge that you are not well, and then seek appropriate help and treatment.
If I can pick myself up, so can you.
